A NOBLER CALLING

The following article was published in the May 2018 issue of BETTER BEAGLING

magazine.

The article is published here for your reading pleasure with the author's consent.

FROM WESTERN PENNSYLVANIA

ON THE ALLEGHENY PLATEAU

 A NOBLER CALLING!

By

Joe Ewing

CEO & Executive High Hareman of the

Big Woods Hare Hunters of the Allegheny

 The words haunt the still active portions of my brain. The statements frequent the backcountry roads of my mind. I may be neurotic about it. If my mother said those piercing words once she said them what seems like a hundred thousand times. I had two brothers so the words were definitely overused. I’m certain many men are haunted by the not so unforgettable words of their mothers. Many shrinks and therapists have worked hard trying to convince me everything wrong with me is my mother’s fault. They may be right. Because of her I’ve become hyper. I’m possessed. It took me years to come to this realization.

“Don’t forget a clean hanky!” Her memorable voice still rings. Many days I was almost out the door on my way to my favorite hunting grounds and I couldn’t figure why she was picking on me. Over the course of figuring things out I’ve come to prefer the more macho sounding term, “handkerchief”. I know the macho thing is my father’s doing. All I know is I feel naked without a handkerchief in my right rear pocket. When I instinctively reach for my handkerchief it must be there. Thanks to my mother, I’m possessed with carrying a clean handkerchief at all times.

My Oxford English Dictionary© defines handkerchief as “a square of cotton or other finely woven material, typically carried in one’s pocket and intended for blowing or wiping one’s nose.” I’ve got news for those Brits over in Oxford; my handkerchief is not used for blowing “one’s” nose.  My handkerchief is not even intended for wiping “one’s” nose. Only a few countries in the world still use handkerchiefs regularly for their original purpose (to blow a nose), as it is considered unsanitary in the United States and many European countries.  In my opinion it’s better to wipe my nose on my sleeve. If I can cough into my sleeve, I feel certain I can wipe my snot on my sleeve. My mother didn’t cause me to have a nasal mucus or germ phobia. The exalted handkerchief is designed to be carried in “one’s” pocket and held in reserve for its preordained nobler purpose. By the way, that Oxford Dictionary© has taken up new residence in the burn barrel.

Handkerchiefs have been around for a long time. Richard II of England used a small piece of linen to blow his nose in the fourteenth century. Others contend the handkerchief was developed in Rome around 1000 BC and only used by the wealthy. At some point, a piece of cloth was worn on the head and was called a “kerchief”. Evolution took jurisdiction and the kerchief was redeployed to the hand thus becoming a “handkerchief”. The handkerchief has a long and good-natured history.

The modern-day handkerchief is a hemmed square made of cotton, cotton-synthetic blend, synthetic fabric, silk or linen. Microfiber handkerchiefs are touted to be very soft. High quality premium polyester fabric is accessible. I’ve never owned a linen handkerchief that I know. If I saw one I wouldn’t know the difference. Cotton is probably the best for absorbency and price although a cotton-synthetic blend might be stronger. A worthy size for a handkerchief is 22 inches square. I’ve checked my inventory and my handkerchiefs are dimension deficient.

I’ve discovered another glaring and gruesome imperfection on my handkerchiefs. My handkerchiefs are inscribed with the words, “Made in China.” China! It’s not difficult to find handkerchiefs made in the good old USA. I found some handkerchiefs marked “Made in USA” in a local store so I bought the last three they had on the shelf. When I got home I noticed the small print. It reads, “with imported fabric”. Duped again. Just my luck. I don’t need foreign made handkerchiefs or foreign made dictionaries. It pains me to tell you this, all my handkerchiefs, even the brand-new ones, are resting beside the dictionary in the burn barrel as we speak. I will be buying “made in the USA” made with USA fabric from now on.

Buy American. It’s a long drive to a job in China.

Handkerchiefs and bandanas come in a multitude of colors and designs. They are produced by a huge array of manufacturers. There are bright orange survival handkerchiefs with survival information printed on the material.  There are first aid handkerchiefs with first aid instructions. There are handkerchiefs printed with maps. I found a black handkerchief printed with glow in the dark ink showing the constellations. The list is endless. The most popular design is the classic paisley. Bandanas are a 4^th of July tradition which is news to me. Some of the most popular patterns are American flags they claim. Willie Robertson of the TV show Duck Dynasty fame wears and sells American flag bandanas. To each his own except I’m not wearing my nation’s flag on my head to collect my sweat. 

First Aid Handkerchief.

For the intentions of this essay I will concentrate on the handkerchief. Before getting into the uses of the handkerchief, I found a line supposedly penned by some guy I don’t know, “you can mop your brow with it when you’re sitting on the front porch drinking mint juleps”. I never sit on the front porch.

 

Survival Handkerchief.

Handkerchiefs serve a variety of uses from fashion accessories to health and beauty aids. There are countless ways to wear a handkerchief: as a necktie, headband, pocket square, mini turban, and scarf. I’ve used my handkerchief endlessly in the summer as a sweat band. It works wonders keeping the perspiration out my eyes and helping me keep cool. I place it under my cap to protect my neck from the burning summer sun. I’ll fold it into a “babushka” (triangularly folded kerchief for the head) both summer and winter to keep my head either warm or cool. I wear it as a face mask and neck gaiter for protection and warmth from the biting wind and snow. Remember, I’m not trying to be fashion plate here.

I use my handkerchief as a punkie (no-see-ums, biting midges) swatter. In the days of my youth we neighborhood kids would build a “punkie smudge” to ward off the biting, blood sucking small insects known as punkies which attacked the eyes and invaded the nose. A punkie smudge is built by placing great amounts of green, freshly cut wet grass or hay onto a rip-roaring bonfire. As the grass burns you keep piling it on. The effect of the smudge is an endless amount of smoke which, when built in the evening, covers the neighborhood like a dense blanket of fog. The idea was to ward off the punkies and the mosquitos which were stirred up by the cutting of the hay in the first place. At times the smoke was more wretched than the punkies. The smoke was so thick a handkerchief was desperately deployed as a gas mask. I never heard any of my cantankerous neighbors grouching. The smoke must not have been all that bad. They may have even relished the relief from the nasty punkies.   

Some of the more sober and nobler uses of the handkerchief are: compress bandage, ankle wrap, wet for a hot or cold compress, and one of the most virtuous, the tourniquet. In a serious situation most handkerchiefs would be honored to be torn into strips to tie up a splint. For an injured arm or shoulder a handkerchief can be utilized as a sling. If “one’s” one-hundred percent cotton handkerchief is dry it will take a spark and can be used as tinder to build a fire. Handkerchiefs have been used as signaling devices by waving to get attention. Bright colors work best. The handkerchief can be used as a dust mask or as a disguise to rob a train or a bank. I’m sure the uses are infinite and I could come up with loads more if compelled.

I would be remiss if I didn’t mention a very crucial use of the noble handkerchief which is the emergency stand-in for t. p. (toilet paper). I personally rip my handkerchief into quarters for this purpose. Enough said? Not quite. I carry an army style entrenching tool in the top of my dog box to bury the handkerchief. If you have to ask, “why bury?”, then you don’t know beagles.

Which brings me to the most important uses of all; emergency beagle care. Most of the uses for people apply to beagles, too. Many people use them on their dogs for fashion accessories, however, my beagles don’t wear pocket squares.

I’ve used a handkerchief along with a stick as a tourniquet on a beagle. Luckily it was only one time and it all worked out okay. Handkerchiefs can be used as an emergency tie out, emergency collar, leash, muzzle and more. Wetting the handkerchief and placing it around the hound’s neck can help keep Fido cool, too.

 

J. Ewing Photo

A handkerchief can be fashioned in an emergency situation to get the hound out of the woods. In this photo Kipper models a field expedient first aid treatment for a torn ear. This “made in china” handkerchief is “earmarked” for the burn barrel.

A common problem for the active beagler is the development of cut pads, sore paws and torn ears. No one I know carries those expensive dog-boots I see advertised. Big Woods Hare Hunter, Andy, fashions a boot, when needed, from gauze and duct tape before going to the field. A handkerchief can be fashioned in an emergency situation to get the hound out of the woods. Andy’s beagles run all day with his boot, however probably not with my handkerchief boot.

J. Ewing Photo

Human ingenuity comes in handy for the beagler. A Big Woods Hare Hunter fashions a boot from gauze and duct tape.

Years ago, when the reclaimed strip mines of Clarion County, Pennsylvania were teeming with cottontails, one or two of the hounds waded through a small run and shortly thereafter got to dancing around as if their feet were on fire. I had eyeballed tanker trucks loading and unloading caustic soda at a storage tank not far up stream. Caustic soda or sodium hydroxide was used for acid mine water purification. Some of the caustic soda surely was leaking into the run. I vaguely remembered from my high school chemistry that caustic soda or lye can cause severe chemical burns. The word “caustic” is synonymous with burning.

J. Ewing Photo

Eight-month-old James Creek Beagles Sidney Crosby finds no joy in being a handkerchief model.

What I didn’t remember or didn’t know is: caustic soda, lye or sodium hydroxide is a very dangerous chemical. It’s used in the manufacture of paper, textiles, drinking water, soaps, detergents and drain cleaner. In the petroleum industry, sodium hydroxide is used as an additive in  drilling mud. This same chemical is used in the production of food. Sodium hydroxide is used for the chemical peeling of fruits and vegetables, chocolate and cocoa processing, caramel coloring production, poultry scalding, soft drink processing and thickening of ice cream. Olives are often soaked in sodium hydroxide for softening. Pretzels are glazed with a sodium hydroxide solution before baking to make them crisp. The uses for sodium hydroxide are boundless.

I remembered first aid for chemical burns is flushing with large amounts of water, however I had no fresh water. The only idea I could come up with was to use my handkerchief. Knowing the area between the dog’s toes is very sensitive I knew to wipe between their toes. It worked and the beagles suffered no lasting injuries. After that day I inaccurately proclaimed the area “acid valley” which was a contradiction of course.

Everywhere I go there will always be some kind of hazard, a busy highway, a quiet country road or a hard-working timbering operation. Training, running and hunting with beagles in the oil, gas and coal fields of Pennsylvania is especially perilous. It’s my responsibility to stay alert to safeguard my best friends.

 

My new American made handkerchiefs. The top three are made “of imported material” and are not long for this world. They would have been nice for “dress” handkerchiefs except that two of them are not paisley design. 

I’m saving my clean handkerchief for some unanticipated principled nobler calling and please, don’t call it a hanky.